Scene 1, hole 1 of the local course, a group is gathered that looks like some kind of disc golf clinic. The local pro is addressing the group.
LP: If you finish my clinic you will be pros, chain assassins just waiting for a tournament. But until that day you are Barneys. You aren't even 2 disc douches, you are lower than that!
Because I am hard you will not like me, but you will realize that the harder I am, the more you will learn. I don't care who you are or what you are. When you leave my camp you will be able to deuce a 440' wooded tunnel shot. Do you Barney's hear me?
B: Sir, yes sir.
(The local pro approaches a player)
LP: What's your name?
P1: Jim Towson sir!
LP: BS, your name is Polecat! Do you like that name?
PC: Yes sir!
(he approaches another)
LP: Holy S… look at the ears on you boy! I would call you mini-Climo but I have seen you throw. I am gonna call you Blowfly.
BF: Yes sir!
(A player is muttering to himself) "I can ace anything because you all suck…"
LP: Who said that?, who the … said that?
(looking at another player)
LP: Was it you?
AP: No Sir
LP: You?
3P: No sir
GB: It was me, I said it
LP: Well look at you, funny man, I bet you think you can ace any hole out here don't you? DON'T YOU??
GB: No sir!
LP: I am gonna call you Goblin, because you look like a little troll and you are useless! You understand me Goblin??
GB: Yes sir!
(The pro walks down the line to an overweight player)
LP: Holy….I bet you started playing because you thought the baskets were stuffed with burgers and fries didn't you fatty?
PP: No sir!
LP: What's your name tubby?
PP: Paul Prince sir.
LP: Are you royalty? Do you throw Xcalibers because you think you are some kind of Knight?
PP: No sir.
LP: Well I don't like the name Paul and since all your other buddies are crappy mids and putters I will name you Pro Pig.
PP: Yes sir
LP: I want to see you getting deuces out there Piggy, one more bogey and you are out of my camp!
PP: Sir yes sir!
Scene 2- Practice basket, the players are practicing putts while the pro walks around
NARRATOR (Goblin): Shady Oaks DGC summer Disc golf camp, home of the ego-maniac tour pro and lousy rec players with a masochistic streak. Why am I here? To make this story worth reading…I mean, everyone can't be a tool can they?
Clang! A soft wizard hits the garter belt on the top of the basket
LP: My god Polecat, I saw Helen Keller putt better than that! Do I need to put some brail on the basket for you!!??
PC: No sir
An aviar whizzes by LPs head, about 15' wide of the basket Piggy covers his eyes
LP: What the hell was that Piggy? Is this a Bugs Bunny episode? Did I turn into a hotdog before your eyes? ARE YOU GOING TO EAT ME!!??
PP: No Sir…grip lock.
LP: I bet you tell your poor 1985 dogeared playboy that same line every night. Leave Miss June Alone, Piggy!!
PP: Yessir
……..
Sun is setting and the sounds of chains ringing echoes
LP: Holllleeeeee Sh… Piggy hit one! It's a Christmas Miracle!! Where the hell is Tiny Tim? Did you eat him Piggy!!??
(fade out)
Scene 3- The group is teeing off on a tunnel shot, a 220' slight dogleg.
LP steps up and whips off a backhand that flies like it is remote controlled. The sound of metal being clinked rings through the forest.
Group: Woooooaaaahhhh
LP: Now get up here and do better! First one to Ace can spend the rest of the day at the strip club, the first one to bogey has to wash Piggy's underwear by hand!
Polecat steps up and sidearms a beauty but it hits a tree just before the dogleg leaving him with a 70' approach/putt.
LP: Ohh better luck next time Polecat, I think you ripped your panty hose on that drive too…Blowfly get up here!
Blowfly rips one that goes out of sight…it doesn't hit metal but it should be pretty close, a drop in deuce hopefully.
LP: Blowfly, what a pretty shot…but guess what, your sister is prettier and I have a date with her in 2 hours so get the hell off the tee! Piggy! Waddle your ass up here
Piggy tries to X-step, stumbles, farts, and rolls off the tee pad still clutching his roc. The group laughs thunderously
LP: I don't know what to say about that Piggy…it was your best drive all day!
Goblin finally composes himself and steps to the tee pad. He actually is using a goblin now, mostly just to piss off the LP. He lets a beauty fly and the groups jaws all drop in unison.
It flies out wide right looking like its going to nail a tree 1/3 down the fairway, and then it jerks back left just in time (all filmed in multi angle slo-mo) it banks hard right again before making the dogleg and in the split second before it should hit the basket Piggy starts to say "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…."
Ching!
"cccccceeeeeeeeeee….."
Flop
Awwwwwwwwwww. A collective moan rolls through the crowd followed by a "f'n Piggy!"
LP: Oooooh so close Goblin…maybe I should order you a tranny stripper for your efforts!
(Fade)
TO BE CONTINUED
